So I know that I left you all hanging onto the edge of a cliff, anxiously awaiting the next part in my journey. I will get to that shortly, I promise I will. But today something else is on my heart, well there is a lot on my mind which in turn is making my heart sad. For your sake I will touch upon one subject today, you will thank me later.
I have this gift, it's called no follow through. I am FULL of ideas, so full on them (please note I did not say full of it) that it has caused me to become indecisive about my life. I could start a business online and sell the baby gifts I make, now is the time to start my animal therapy program I dreamed about, I could go back to school to be a nurse, I could do that, I could do this and the list goes on and on and on and on....
I wasn't always like this though. I started my University journey at a school I would like to egg and graffiti... ooops sorry I didn't mean to go there. What I meant to say was, I started going to this school to study secondary education. Passion was running through my veins and I was so driven that I knew I was going to change lives. I loved everything about teaching, until I got into a classroom that is. I was working at a middle school close to where I was living, studying under a teacher who could care less about what got taught that day just as long as the kids were quiet so she could nurse her "headache." I tutored in an upscale area where the student's success was measured by how much money Mommy and Daddy dearest had. I taught summer school programs in an area so poor we gave the student's toothbrushes and taught them all about hygiene. I was doing it all and I was going to be better than all these teachers who were supposed to be teaching me. And then it happened... I did not want to do it anymore, but I didn't know how to face the music. So I kept trucking along on my journey, determined to graduate, determined to become a teacher. I had a bitter taste in my mouth about the profession and about the teachers I had encountered. I knew all teachers were not like this, as I was blessed to have a few good ones who truly cared. But none the less, it's always the bad apples that ruin your taste buds.
I couldn't tell my fiance at the time or my parents that I didn't want this to be my life anymore, surely I would be letting them down and be this HUGE disappointment. I was good at teaching, I knew that, I just wasn't happy with it anymore. So I dropped the ball, no follow through, no back up plan.
Exercise... do I even have to say it? OK, OK I will, NO FOLLOW THROUGH! I am not even going to dive into this topic anymore because the extra 25 pounds I have been carrying around for the past 3 years reminds me each and everyday that my lack of dedication to my own health is sad.
I started my own business, a jewelry business. THIS HAS GOT TO WORK! I mean I love, LOVE jewelry, I love parties, I work well with others. BINGO, this was the answer to my wandering soul. Oh wait, what's that problem I have again... NO FOLLOW THROUGH. Sure I make some money here and there, it's fun, and the jewelry is beautiful, but I am not passionate about it. I keep fumbling with this business and am not sure it was an investment I should have made. Again I feel that I will be an embarrassment to my family and to my team.
I feel empty, ya that is the best way to sum it up. I love my family and my son brings me joy each and everyday, but if this makes sense (please leave all judgement hats at the door) it does not fulfill me being here taking care of the home front. I LOVE being at home with my son, but I feel I am meant to do more. But oh wait that no follow through problem keeps getting in my way. So I am left with the now what...again.
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