Kinda depressing, you've been served, I mean warned.

So I know that I left you all hanging onto the edge of a cliff, anxiously awaiting the next part in my journey. I will get to that shortly, I promise I will. But today something else is on my heart, well there is a lot on my mind which in turn is making my heart sad. For your sake I will touch upon one subject today, you will thank me later.

I have this gift, it's called no follow through. I am FULL of ideas, so full on them (please note I did not say full of it) that it has caused me to become indecisive about my life. I could start a business online and sell the baby gifts I make, now is the time to start my animal therapy program I dreamed about, I could go back to school to be a nurse, I could do that, I could do this and the list goes on and on and on and on....
I wasn't always like this though. I started my University journey at a school I would like to egg and graffiti... ooops sorry I didn't mean to go there. What I meant to say was, I started going to this school to study secondary education. Passion was running through my veins and I was so driven that I knew I was going to change lives. I loved everything about teaching, until I got into a classroom that is. I was working at a middle school close to where I was living, studying under a teacher who could care less about what got taught that day just as long as the kids were quiet so she could nurse her "headache." I tutored in an upscale area where the student's success was measured by how much money Mommy and Daddy dearest had. I taught summer school programs in an area so poor we gave the student's toothbrushes and taught them all about hygiene. I was doing it all and I was going to be better than all these teachers who were supposed to be teaching me. And then it happened... I did not want to do it anymore, but I didn't know how to face the music. So I kept trucking along on my journey, determined to graduate, determined to become a teacher. I had a bitter taste in my mouth about the profession and about the teachers I had encountered. I knew all teachers were not like this, as I was blessed to have a few good ones who truly cared. But none the less, it's always the bad apples that ruin your taste buds.
I couldn't tell my fiance at the time or my parents that I didn't want this to be my life anymore, surely I would be letting them down and be this HUGE disappointment. I was good at teaching, I knew that, I just wasn't happy with it anymore. So I dropped the ball, no follow through, no back up plan.
Exercise... do I even have to say it? OK, OK I will, NO FOLLOW THROUGH! I am not even going to dive into this topic anymore because the extra 25 pounds I have been carrying around for the past 3 years reminds me each and everyday that my lack of dedication to my own health is sad.
I started my own business, a jewelry business. THIS HAS GOT TO WORK! I mean I love, LOVE jewelry, I love parties, I work well with others. BINGO, this was the answer to my wandering soul. Oh wait, what's that problem I have again... NO FOLLOW THROUGH. Sure I make some money here and there, it's fun, and the jewelry is beautiful, but I am not passionate about it. I keep fumbling with this business and am not sure it was an investment I should have made. Again I feel that I will be an embarrassment to my family and to my team.

I feel empty, ya that is the best way to sum it up. I love my family and my son brings me joy each and everyday, but if this makes sense (please leave all judgement hats at the door) it does not fulfill me being here taking care of the home front. I LOVE being at home with my son, but I feel I am meant to do more. But oh wait that no follow through problem keeps getting in my way. So I am left with the now what...again.

so maybe it does really work

I hope this finds everyone in good spirits today! Now that the holiday rush is over I find myself having time again, so let's get caught up shall we?

I have been going to counseling for a few weeks now and have to say that I am really digging it! I never thought I would look forward to going to see a stranger once a week for an hour, but I do. I have been approaching it with an open mind and looking at it as ME time! It also helps that my counselor is this wonderful lady who has a motherly way about her. She never once has judged me or blamed my problems on something else, but instead she has made me own my feelings, figure out why I feel this way, and the best of all she asked me to seek forgiveness... from myself. Yes I was just as confused about that as you probably are now so let me explain.
I have what you would call anger management issues. Go ahead I will pause while you laugh. I may be a really nice person always willing to help those you need it, but inside I am fuming about EVERYTHING! So eventually that anger catches up with you and robs your life of joy. My life is filled with things that should bring me joy, but I was missing it, all of it. My heart was a hardened lump of gross, black coal instead of the joyful heart God created me to have. It took my counselor making me do this exercise for it to slap me in the face, coming at me 75mph like a bat out of hell. When you travel through life constantly looking forward to all the tomorrows you often miss what is right in front of you today. I don't want to miss life, I want to live life, no matter how messy it gets. So I am approaching each day God gives me differently and don't get me wrong it's hard! I am not a morning person, I often wake up grumpier than the wicked witch of the west, but I am trying my best to change my perspective. What should you have learned from my above rant and rave... use caution when approaching me in the am JUST KIDDING (not.)
Back to forgiving myself (I get off track so easily, maybe looking into ADD should be my next to do item.) My counselor had me do another exercise from an anger management study and again I found it really helpful. It stated something about anger and forgiveness go hand and hand. We have the choice to truly forgive and move, which is something I have neglected to do. I have said I am fine more times than I have changed poopy diapers and BOY my kid craps a lot so ya. I have internalized my anger more and more instead of dealing with the situation I am in. I realized that I needed to work on forgiveness to bring joy back to my heart and life. I started the forgiveness exercise with TK. I had a list of things that have happened that I was still anger about, all of which were circumstances beyond his control. But I had to validate that feeling I was having and then I prayed for God to help me let it go.
Next was life, funny right? How do you forgive life? I dunno, I just did OK!? I was mad for the deck of cards we have been dealt the past 5 years, but in order to move forward I had to stop looking behind. So I forgave life and the crapola it has done to us.
Next was the hardest... Me. I have all this guilt for being mad at TK, I mean a lot which in turn made me angry. Vicious cycle I was in, but I decided yesterday it was done, over, finished!
Life isn't always what you want it to be and even though I know that, I am just now learning that. I am done being mad, it's about darn time I see some joy in my life! Amen? AMEN!

If you want to know the exercises I did I would be happy to share them, just holla at a girl.