Kinda depressing, you've been served, I mean warned.

So I know that I left you all hanging onto the edge of a cliff, anxiously awaiting the next part in my journey. I will get to that shortly, I promise I will. But today something else is on my heart, well there is a lot on my mind which in turn is making my heart sad. For your sake I will touch upon one subject today, you will thank me later.

I have this gift, it's called no follow through. I am FULL of ideas, so full on them (please note I did not say full of it) that it has caused me to become indecisive about my life. I could start a business online and sell the baby gifts I make, now is the time to start my animal therapy program I dreamed about, I could go back to school to be a nurse, I could do that, I could do this and the list goes on and on and on and on....
I wasn't always like this though. I started my University journey at a school I would like to egg and graffiti... ooops sorry I didn't mean to go there. What I meant to say was, I started going to this school to study secondary education. Passion was running through my veins and I was so driven that I knew I was going to change lives. I loved everything about teaching, until I got into a classroom that is. I was working at a middle school close to where I was living, studying under a teacher who could care less about what got taught that day just as long as the kids were quiet so she could nurse her "headache." I tutored in an upscale area where the student's success was measured by how much money Mommy and Daddy dearest had. I taught summer school programs in an area so poor we gave the student's toothbrushes and taught them all about hygiene. I was doing it all and I was going to be better than all these teachers who were supposed to be teaching me. And then it happened... I did not want to do it anymore, but I didn't know how to face the music. So I kept trucking along on my journey, determined to graduate, determined to become a teacher. I had a bitter taste in my mouth about the profession and about the teachers I had encountered. I knew all teachers were not like this, as I was blessed to have a few good ones who truly cared. But none the less, it's always the bad apples that ruin your taste buds.
I couldn't tell my fiance at the time or my parents that I didn't want this to be my life anymore, surely I would be letting them down and be this HUGE disappointment. I was good at teaching, I knew that, I just wasn't happy with it anymore. So I dropped the ball, no follow through, no back up plan.
Exercise... do I even have to say it? OK, OK I will, NO FOLLOW THROUGH! I am not even going to dive into this topic anymore because the extra 25 pounds I have been carrying around for the past 3 years reminds me each and everyday that my lack of dedication to my own health is sad.
I started my own business, a jewelry business. THIS HAS GOT TO WORK! I mean I love, LOVE jewelry, I love parties, I work well with others. BINGO, this was the answer to my wandering soul. Oh wait, what's that problem I have again... NO FOLLOW THROUGH. Sure I make some money here and there, it's fun, and the jewelry is beautiful, but I am not passionate about it. I keep fumbling with this business and am not sure it was an investment I should have made. Again I feel that I will be an embarrassment to my family and to my team.

I feel empty, ya that is the best way to sum it up. I love my family and my son brings me joy each and everyday, but if this makes sense (please leave all judgement hats at the door) it does not fulfill me being here taking care of the home front. I LOVE being at home with my son, but I feel I am meant to do more. But oh wait that no follow through problem keeps getting in my way. So I am left with the now what...again.

so maybe it does really work

I hope this finds everyone in good spirits today! Now that the holiday rush is over I find myself having time again, so let's get caught up shall we?

I have been going to counseling for a few weeks now and have to say that I am really digging it! I never thought I would look forward to going to see a stranger once a week for an hour, but I do. I have been approaching it with an open mind and looking at it as ME time! It also helps that my counselor is this wonderful lady who has a motherly way about her. She never once has judged me or blamed my problems on something else, but instead she has made me own my feelings, figure out why I feel this way, and the best of all she asked me to seek forgiveness... from myself. Yes I was just as confused about that as you probably are now so let me explain.
I have what you would call anger management issues. Go ahead I will pause while you laugh. I may be a really nice person always willing to help those you need it, but inside I am fuming about EVERYTHING! So eventually that anger catches up with you and robs your life of joy. My life is filled with things that should bring me joy, but I was missing it, all of it. My heart was a hardened lump of gross, black coal instead of the joyful heart God created me to have. It took my counselor making me do this exercise for it to slap me in the face, coming at me 75mph like a bat out of hell. When you travel through life constantly looking forward to all the tomorrows you often miss what is right in front of you today. I don't want to miss life, I want to live life, no matter how messy it gets. So I am approaching each day God gives me differently and don't get me wrong it's hard! I am not a morning person, I often wake up grumpier than the wicked witch of the west, but I am trying my best to change my perspective. What should you have learned from my above rant and rave... use caution when approaching me in the am JUST KIDDING (not.)
Back to forgiving myself (I get off track so easily, maybe looking into ADD should be my next to do item.) My counselor had me do another exercise from an anger management study and again I found it really helpful. It stated something about anger and forgiveness go hand and hand. We have the choice to truly forgive and move, which is something I have neglected to do. I have said I am fine more times than I have changed poopy diapers and BOY my kid craps a lot so ya. I have internalized my anger more and more instead of dealing with the situation I am in. I realized that I needed to work on forgiveness to bring joy back to my heart and life. I started the forgiveness exercise with TK. I had a list of things that have happened that I was still anger about, all of which were circumstances beyond his control. But I had to validate that feeling I was having and then I prayed for God to help me let it go.
Next was life, funny right? How do you forgive life? I dunno, I just did OK!? I was mad for the deck of cards we have been dealt the past 5 years, but in order to move forward I had to stop looking behind. So I forgave life and the crapola it has done to us.
Next was the hardest... Me. I have all this guilt for being mad at TK, I mean a lot which in turn made me angry. Vicious cycle I was in, but I decided yesterday it was done, over, finished!
Life isn't always what you want it to be and even though I know that, I am just now learning that. I am done being mad, it's about darn time I see some joy in my life! Amen? AMEN!

If you want to know the exercises I did I would be happy to share them, just holla at a girl.

This thing called life: Part 6

When you pray for God to move you, be specific. I could end this post there, but because it’s Christmas time and I am in a giving mood I will continue on.
I had been praying for God’s will to be shown loud and clear in our lives while we were living a drama filled realty TV show. I asked him to move me, but I MEANT move me in a direction in my life that is pleasing to you, not MOVE ME TO A DIFFERENT STATE! The funny thing I have come to realize, slowly but surely, is that when you ask God to come into your life, you lose all control. This happens to be a problem for a control freak like myself. God and I still fight about this on a daily basis, but MAN OH MAN is he a tenacious God☺
So it happened to be super bowl weekend and TK and I decided that we would invite lots of friends over for a party and assumed only a few would show up, but to our surprise everyone showed up and crammed into our tiny living room while we all ate, drank, and laughed. It was exactly what I needed to fight the sadness I was feeling and I think God knew that. We announced to some friends at the party that we had an interview the following weekend in Arizona for a job. Everyone gave us their best oh that is so cool, good luck faces, but their voices were absent of excitement. Hey I couldn’t blame them I was the least bit excited for this adventure as well. The party started to wind down and one by one our friends left and as each one walked out my front door I felt my heart break into a million pieces. Yes I am a bit of a drama queen, but when I feel an emotion I feel it with my whole body. I honest to God felt like my life was over. My family was gone and now I would be too, leaving behind my friends! What did I have left? NOTHING, at least I thought nothing.
The week preparing for our trip to Arizona was an absolute whirlwind with packing, rearranging my work schedule, finding a Snoop Dog sitter, and crying, and lots of crying. I was a hot mess and TK was trying his hardest to keep me positive, it just wasn’t really working. I don’t remember the car ride or plane ride to Arizona, but I remember when we landed in the desert. It was sunny and there were palm trees next to a cactus! We got off the plane and found our shuttle. I sat next to TK putting on my best this is nice smile. I am not sure if he bought it, but he was oozing nervousness and excitement so I figured I needed to check my emotions to be a good wife. The shuttle ride felt like and eternity that drove us the car rental place where we were appropriately placed with a bright yellow car. We drove through what we would call in the D, the ghetto and I seriously thought to myself why leave one Ghetto to live in another? My attitude was fantastic at this point people. Once we barely escaped the ghetto of Phoenix we arrived in Sun City (yes this is the city’s name) to out hotel where we were greeted by a nice gift basket from the church and phone calls from members welcoming us and expressing their excitement to meet us. WHO were these people? Nobody expressed that much excitement in Michigan unless the Lions won!

TK was whisked off to Thursday night rehearsal for the weekend services where he would be displaying his mad skills. I however sat in the hotel room by myself. I paced, unpacked, cried, repacked determined that’s it I am leaving him because this is not going to be my life, I unpacked telling myself that was the stupidest idea ever, cried some more, took a shower, and than packed again. TK called at the perfect moment, told me he loved me and was on his way back to pick me up to meet with the current worship leader and his wife. Damn, I was trapped. We met at a Starbucks, THANK GOD THE desert had Starbucks (OK we weren’t in the middle of nowhere, but in my mind we might as well have been, feel me?) The couple was nice enough and talked the church up so much that I should have seen a red flag right then and there, but I didn’t.
The rest of the weekend was a blur with lunches, dinners, looking at houses, getting lost, church services, and meeting endless amounts of people. After the last service on Sunday we were handed a check and a job offer. They told us to go home and think about it but the job was ours and waiting for us. Once we decided to move to Arizona, we were to cash the check and get there ASAP, within a MONTH!. EXCUSE ME WHAT? They wanted me to pack up my life and say my goodbyes within ONE MONTH!!! Are you freakin’ crazy? Yep they were crazy because that is exactly what we did.

This Thing Called Life: Part 5

So what do you do when you feel you have nothing? You cry, you scream, you stomp your feet around the house like a 8 year old trying to get your way. Unfortunately I was trying to get my way with from a God who had a bigger and better plan for my life. I was just being to stubborn to see it (yes I just admitted I am stubborn, pick your jaw up from the ground and continue on OK?) What was I so mad about? The fact that God had heard our prayers about removing TK from Satan's playground (alright maybe calling it Satan's playground is a bit extreme but I am an extreme person there is no grey area with me.) TK was free, free to find work elsewhere, OH WAIT, that's what I was mad about... TK DID NOT HAVE A JOB!! I tried my hardest to be positive and supportive, but I failed miserably and ended up bitter, really bitter. The next few days after TK's removal from the church were some of the weirdest days of my life. My family was thousands of miles away and all I needed was a hug from my Mama, but I had to settle from a cuddle from Snoop Dog, (at least she is furry and soft.) We had no church or church family to lean on in this time of need because the church um, fired us, (that is so crazy to say! HOW DOES A CHURCH I REPEAT A CHURCH FILLED WITH CHRISTIANS DO THAT??!?!?!?!?!?!?!) We felt alone, very alone. Sure we had friends and extended family close by, but when you feel like you don't have God or your Mom, life is hard. I think God created Moms because they are a lot like him.... There is nothing like the love God can give you just as there is nothing like the love a Mom can give you. I needed love and so did TK, but I sure as heck wasn't giving any love out. Our house was a pretty unpleasant place to be. TK and I were having daily fights about moving out of state. Mr. Adventure was all for it, me, Mrs. Homebody told him to take a hike or just go without me, yep I told him to leave me (WHO DOES THAT??)
TK against my advice was searching for jobs in other states and applied a church far, far away. He only told me about this job after he applied and GOT A PHONE CALL from this church. I could have strangled him in that moment, but I am glad I didn't cause he gave me a super cute kid! HAHA, I crack myself up (hopefully you are laughing too cause I was totally joking about the strangling him part, not the kid part though... Ok back on track.) TK approached the subject with asking me what I though of Arizona. Ironically I had taken a trip to Arizona with my girlfriends a few months back to visit a friend. I told him it was nice but not a place I would like to live. TK had a look on his face that gave away what he was about to say. "Well, a church in Arizona wants to interview me", he said. And I am pretty sure I said, "SAY WHAT? Hell no!" Some how TK translated that statement into scheduling a phone interview with this church for the following week. In my head I knew this job was NOT a right fit and all this would be water under the bridge shortly. So I wasn't giving the possibility of moving to Arizona much thought. THEN the phone interview happened, for real they called TK. I guess all my wishing and praying it away just didn't work. I paced and paced outside the office door while TK was on the phone, pretty sure I wore a groove in the floor from my pacing. My brother happened to be visiting from college that weekend and told me in a very kind way to sit my a-$-$ down and knock off my frantic crazy woman act. He got my be careful what you say look or I will eat your ace off look (you know the look every woman has when a man ticks her off.)
FINALLY after what felt like years, TK emerged from the office. He set the phone down, looked at me and said we are flying to Arizona for an interview. WHAT, WAIT, NO! I asked when? Tk said next weekend. I was in the kitchen and sank down on to the floor with my head between my knees. If I weren't up against the cabinets I think I might have fallen over. My brother came over, put his hand on my shoulder and said it wasn't the worst thing that could happen. Just as I picked my head up to shout some kind of hate speech to him I felt myself getting sick. I ran to the bathroom, slammed the door, and made friends with the toilet. In between getting sick I managed to let sobs an screams flow from my chest. I am sure my brother and husband were exchanging glances with each other while playing rock, paper, scissors to see who had to come check on me, but they left me alone (which was good, I needed to get it all out.) I remember at one point telling myself to suck it up and pull it together and get up off the bathroom floor I had forgotten to clean that week. After all we had a super bowl party to get ready for...

This thing called life: Part 4

TK and Bubba are sleeping and as much as I wish I were too I am finishing up some work. The house is quiet, the rest of family is gone and the dogs have found a resting place on my cold feet. I long for moments like this. I have managed to drink a cup of coffee at a leisurely place without any being spilled on the carpet or my shirt, no one is barking orders or yelling at the beasts that takes place at my front door (AKA the 4 dogs.) I miss quiet moments that are all my own, they are good for my soul and my sanity. So I guess I will take advantage of this moment and continue forth with my story.

December of 2007 was a month I would gladly like to erase from the books. My family was gone and TK was working in a place that started to resemble Hell, well for us it did. TK would come home so beaten up that it would infuriate me to the point that I would start yelling, unfortunately yelling at TK. I was not rising above the situation with our church like I should have, instead I was right there with everyone who was causing the hurt, playing on their level.

Christmas Eve rolled around and after Tk played the service at church we went to dinner at a favorite local restaurant of ours, it was good but depressing for me. I do not even remember Christmas day but I am sure I was a pleasure to be around. At this point Tk was playing in a funk band to make side money to support us, so New Year’s was spent in a bar while Tk counted down to 2008 on a stage, while I was among drunk people spilling beer on me. He blew me a kiss at midnight and I prayed for the night to end quickly. Soon after all the Holiday hustle was over TK was FIRED abruptly! I mean yes we in hind sight we knew it was coming, we just had hoped it would have happened in a different way. They treated him like a criminal throughout the exiting process. We had done everything that was asked of us and felt like puppets on a tangled string with a master who left us for the dogs. We asked questions, but received no answer, we begged for helped and we were actual laughed at by certain to remain unnamed staff members. All we had left to do was pray for a way out. Part of me was relieved that TK would be out of the horrible situation, while the other part of me went straight to panic mode. I remember yelling in my car to God asking for help in one breath and cursing his name and that church in the next. WE HAD GIVEN THEM EVERYTHING THEY WANTED, and they put us out like tomorrow’s trash. My husband was broken and felt betrayed. He over the course of his time with church became close friends with the Pastor, I babysat their kids, we had dinner together, and than one day they were done with us and wanted us out as quickly as possible. We honestly, I am not just saying this, we honestly couldn’t figure out what happened. So here we are again, jobless and this time unemployment was not an option. TK had to beg basically to the point of threaten, to get some kind of severance, and even that was a joke. Scramble mode began quickly in my house and TK’s only option was to look for work outside of Michigan. I firmly put my foot down and shook my head NO, but in my heart I knew it might be our only answer. Again my mind immediately went to moving to Florida to be with my family, but as I would soon find out TK had other plans.

The coward, excuse me, I mean Pastor sent two members of the leadership team over to our home to collect belongings of the church’s (TK ran a lot of the day to day functions out of our home since the church did not have an office.) The guys were told lies I am sure of what happened and TK was trying to save face giving his side of the story. The poor men were bombarded with this task that the Pastor should have been man enough to do himself. I remember begging TK to stop yelling as I cried uncontrollably. I could see the look of pity in the faces of these men and I wanted them out of my home. I didn’t want their pity, I wanted revenge, but I knew it wasn’t right, so I kept my mouth shut for the most part. I still wish I could take back an unnecessary comment of mine, and I hope by now this person has forgiven me for being a rude mess that night.
After all things church were cleared from our home and TK’s belongings were collected from the church building, we sat on opposite ends of the couch with the fear of now what? I called to inform my parent’s of the latest news and they promised to help us. But how? They were struggling just as much as we were. I felt hopeless, completely and utterly hopeless. How had we as a family gotten to this point? I prayed for God to come and swoop us up in his arms, to move me, to show me a sign it would be OK. I also did a whole lot of yelling at God while I begged him to show this church what they were doing to people. I thought of getting even, like standing out in the parking lot offering our story for all who wanted to hear, I wanted to send emails, I thought about keying the Pastor’s car (real mature stuff I know), and the list goes on. I was hurt, and what made it worse was so was my husband AND YOU DON’T MESS with my family. So I did what any over protective woman would do, I prayed his (the Pastor’s) day would come and he would feel ever ounce of emotion we did.

This thing called Life: Part 3

WARNING some of this content will make you mad, maybe at me, maybe at Church, maybe at Christians, but prolly mostly at me... consider yourself warned mmmmk?

Tim had been working at his job for a few months by this time and seemed to be pretty happy. He was asked to do all kinds of odds and end work which we assumed was normal at a plant church. It did not matter what background TK had or even what knowledge he possessed he was just asked (some times told) to do it, so TK being the good kid he was did it. The church started growing and it was honestly really cool to see it happen. I had the opportunity to meet some really great people, and then some NOT so great people. For some reason any new person that walked through the door and I met, seemed to like me. But everyone (OK not everyone cause I am friends with some of those peeps now, it just felt like everyone) that was already a part of this church shunned me. These people were horribly judgmental and the leadership team acted like a click and I felt like I was back in high school. I complained to TK about it all the time saying things like, “I thought this was a come as you are place! How do you expect people to be themselves when all you do is shut them out!” I was furious to see how certain leaders acted in this church, but was advised by my ever so loving husband to keep my mouth shut so he could keep his job. So I did… I played what I like to call the ‘church game’ and I hated almost every waking moment in that building. I seriously began to have a faith problem and I blamed it on this place and those people… I was pointing the finger to everyone else but myself.
A few months later my dad announced to the family he would be accepting a job-HOORAY, but he had to move to Florida to take it- BOO! My dad packed his bags and moved in November of 2006 to a condo in Florida, all by himself. He left my mom and three brothers behind in Michigan to finish up the school year and decide the family’s next steps. I was crushed… is there a word worse than crushed, because if there is that is what I was. My Dad was gone and this was before Skype was cool so I all I had was phone calls and emails, which were infrequent because the man was working insane hours. The company would fly my dad home for a weekend every 5 weeks or so to see us and those weekends just never felt right. It seemed I watched the clock constantly to see how much time I had left with him more than I focused on being with him.
I remember the first time TK and I went to go visit him in Florida. It was weird and I hated almost every minute of it while faking a smile for my Dad. Sure he lived in a beautiful state and had a nice place to stay at, but it didn’t feel right. I would find myself going to the bathroom just to hide from my Dad and TK so I could cry. How was this all happening??
The next few months continued to creep by and I watched my family become something I feared most… distant. If you have ever met my family you know how we are all loud and crazy, and IN each others faces all the time! I like to compare us to the movie ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ except we aren’t Greek, we’re muts and darn proud of it☺ A side not here: my favorite thing about my family, parents included is that when we have something BIG we want the others to know about, but are to afraid to say it ourselves, we go tell someone else fully knowing that we cannot to save our lives keep secrets and soon what we needed everyone to know will have spread like wildfire and the secret will be out! It’s how we work, my husband thinks we are crazy and we might be, but it’s us and I love it! Anyway back on topic, stay focused Kristin (I like side notes, I want you to feel like you lived this with me so get used to them☺ ) So my family wasn’t functioning like we always had before. You could see sadness in my Mom’s eyes s she tried to play it off like she was fine. I think she felt she needed to be strong for us kids and I hope that didn’t cause her more pain than necessary.

In June 2007 one of my little bros graduated from high school and the decision was made that my mom and two of my brother’s would be leaving to join my dad in Florida. When I heard this my stomach sank and my throat instantly swelled up. I fought back that tears but to be honest I knew this was coming… I was just in denial. My family was leaving July 5th and I would be here in Michigan without them. I felt like life as I knew it was over. Sure I still had hubsters, Snoop Dog and one of my brothers would be in the state of Michigan just away at college. But the rest of my family was leaving, hello leaving me behind living thousands of miles away! How could God be so cruel!?!?! I flew with my mom and two brothers to Florida while my dad and oldest brother drove the car with the family dogs. Arriving to my parent’s new home was surreal. Surely this was a vacation home, not a home you would live in! It was gorgeous and but I hated it! It wasn’t the home I grew up it, I couldn’t walk around in the dark and know all the corners and curves of the house by heart, my bed was missing, it was too open and didn’t feel homey. But I smiled and told my dad it was perfect. As the oldest child I have a problem and I need help with this problem. I feel like I should take care of everyone all the time. It’s caused some serious mental problemos for me, not kidding.
A few days later I flew home to Michigan, without my family, without my mom. I sat in the airport balling my eyes out shooting dirty looks to anyone who dared stare at me. I was angry and sad and little did I know depressed. Depression is something that ‘runs’ in my family and most people who obviously have it ignore it and it goes untreated. I was of course in denial about struggling with depression because it is so taboo to have it. My husband tried to gently encourage me to get help which of course my reply was, ‘SHUT YOUR MOUTH, I am fine” or “I don’t need drugs to make me happy” or my favorite “Why would I talk to a complete stranger about my life so they can judge me and drug me up, NO THANK YOU.” I knew I had a problem but I was not going to admit it. I cried more often, I became secluded and ignore my friends when the called or would lie to get out of seeing them. I was angry a lot and my emotions would jump from one to another in the blink of an eye. I was textbook depressed but in my crazy mind I had this under control.
Fall rolled around, my favorite time of the year! TK and I booked a trip to Florida for Thanksgiving to see my family because I couldn’t bear to spend the holidays without them. To top it off things at TK’s work were getting… weird. He would be blamed for things he had no control over, other peoples mistakes fell on him, and the worst of all people were not only gossiping about him but us, and people were lying about TK. I remember one Sunday morning walking into this so called church and I knew about something that had happened earlier in the week with this certain person (long story short… TK was in charge of cutting checks and he made a rule that he would only cut checks to reimburse people once a week. So all these people had to do was hand in the receipts on a Monday to get a check by Thursday. Not that hard right, I mean a third grader could understand that. Well not this certain person. She wanted her money NOW and acted like TK was a peon and should cater to her. She was so mad that she couldn’t get a check when she wanted it that she started to tell the Pastor and other people TK wasn’t doing his job, was ignoring her requests, and hadn’t cut her a check in weeks! Ok so that was kind of a long explanation, sorry bout that, I just need you to understand what was about to go down.) So I saw this person and she smiled at me and proceeded to strike up a conversation. IT TOOK EVERYTHING in my power not to slap this woman square in the face. I am a protective person by nature and if you cross one of my loved ones you better WATCH OUT, my ninja skills come into full action. Even though I tried my hardest to be nice I know I was being rude, so I decided to walk away mid conversation before I said something I would regret or hit her. Probably a good decision I made there.
Things like the above example seemed to be happening more and more often and we couldn’t figure out why. Did TK and I handle every situation properly… HECK to the NO! Sometimes TK lost his cool and said the wrong thing, but put yourself in his shoes for a sec k? The guy worked like a dog for this church making crapola, but he did it because he loved serving God and believed this church had a great message that could reach a lot of people. He was in it for the right reason and when things started happening here at this church he took it personally, he was incredible hurt by the Pastor and the leaders in that church and so was I. We got defensive quickly and it seemed there was some kind of fire to be put out week after week. As things progressively got worse TK and I started talking about the possibility of moving to Florida to be with my family. We started praying for God to show us what to do next. The Pastor of this church said that people were upset with TK and he was MAKING TK apologize to them all. EXCUSE ME WHAT? What in the HELL yes HELL (I was super angry here at this point, can you feel it?) did TK do to this judgmental, stuck up, no good leaders? But to save his job, TK did what the Pastor said and he sat with 15 or so leaders and apologize for things he didn’t understand. THE MAN SUCKED IT UP to save us, to continue to provide for me! And you know what, they still treated him like dirt after that. I was furious and my husband was sad and confused. I hated that church, what it was doing to him and his spirited personality and what it stood for in an instant. Here was a great message they had and we could be saving LOTS of lost people, but instead they were running a popularity contest. So I started making excuses to not go to church, I had a big project due, I had a headache, I felt sick to my stomach (which wasn’t a lie, that place wanted to make me puke.) I drifted from God and my faith, and my husband. I couldn't understand how people could call themselves Christians but be so cruel to fellow brother of Christ? I cried a lot over the hurt those people caused my husband. TK was fearful to speak, reluctant to make any decision, and started doubting himself and what he thought he was called to do. I had about all I could take or so I thought and just when I thought things were bad, they got worse. It all happened so quickly it made my head spin.

This thing called Life: Part 2

TK and I were blessed to have taken a week long honeymoon at an all-inclusive hotel in Punta Cana. HELLO beach, ocean, unlimited eats and my main squeeze. THIS girl was in heaven. We returned home late Sunday afternoon and had an awesome BBQ with my family at our new little home reminiscing about our wedding day while making fun of my Dad for crying the WHOLE day. Life was just about perfect; the only thing missing was the puppy I was relentlessly perusing TK for.
My family soon went home and it was just the hubs and I ready to start our life together. Monday morning TK took off to work and I was busy doing laundry and getting things ready to go back to work myself in a few days when all of a sudden at 9:00am the front door open revealing my husband. He looked down in the dumps as I asked him what he was already doing home. He had ruined my plans of surprising him with a nice dinner (by nice I mean sandwiches cause this girl didn’t know how to cook yet.) The man looked like a car just hit his puppy when he said he was laid off. WHAT, say again?!?! What a honeymoon phase killer that news was. I immediately went into crazy mode; spewing stupid trash talk from my mouth that I am sure did not help TK feel better about his, correction, OUR current situation. Sure TK would get unemployment and I was working part time, but we just bought a house, a for real all ours home. And we had two car payments, utility bills, and cell phone bills, and…. I went into freak out mode real quick. I have never been a levelheaded person and the slightest tip of imbalance in my world sends me into crazy woman mode (poor TK.)
I went back to work a few days later while TK got things settled with the unemployment office, which deserves a post all on it’s own about how special and kind the people are there (insert sarcasm here.) A few weeks later TK found out his unemployment was approved, but we seriously laughed at the amount they accepted two people like us to live off of. TK seemed depressed which made me sad because he was always the happy go lucky, nothing gets me down kind of guy. I was at a complete loss of what to do. Here we were married, both still in school, no career jobs, no security, and for the first time in my life I felt on my own. My parents took care of everything for me. Sure they taught me responsibility and I functioned in the real world pretty well because of the skills they gave me, BUT I WAS NOWHERE near prepared for the crapola of the situation I found myself in. My Mom and Dad did a fantastic job raising me, but I was sheltered and naïve. I could not call my Dad to fix this situation, I couldn’t even call him to vent about it because… he was Tim’s boss at this job and guess what he lost his job at this company too. PRETTY CRAPPY huh? So here we were in scramble mode right along with my parents. And I had to be an adult about all this! I think the hardest part for me was the having to ‘grow up’ when all I wanted to do was stomp my feet, scream, and demand my mommy fix this. I found myself growing bitter, bitter about life, marriage, family, and growing up. Having your own home and being a for real grown up person is just not as glamorous as some make it out to be.
TK continued to search for work while I went off to school or work and when I came home at the end of the day I expected a full detailed report of how he spent his every waking minute and what jobs he applied for. I would get infuriated when I would hear that he watched TV or heaven forbid sat down to eat lunch! NO SOUP for you, until you get a job MR.!!! Some great wife I was shaping up to be. I would find myself venting to anyone who was willing to lend an ear, my mom, my best friend, the little girl I took care of, my puppy (OH ya forgot to mention that TK eventually caved and I got my dog, hehe.) I knew it wasn’t right, but I couldn’t stop myself from complaining. I am shocked no one slapped me silly and told me to knock it off and suck it up. Everyone just seemed to sympathize with me, especially Snoop Dog, (to clarify Snoop Dog is my puppy, not the rapper. Although I think it would be cool to meet Snoop Dog and hang. I am sure I am his type of friend, I am pretty gangsta after all) so I didn’t think anything was wrong with what I was doing.
TK soon found out about a possible job through the grapevine and decided to follow up on the lead. TK was almost done with his bachelor’s degree in Theology and wanted to be a worship leader. K time out for a second; how in the name of God was I going to be a ‘Pastor’s wife’? I am outspoken, loud, inappropriate sometimes, and I am in your face kind of person who does not wear, I repeat does not wear mo-moos. I had a few minor anxiety attacks at the thought of TK working at a church, but low and behold this lead he had was for a position at a plant church (a plant church is a church just starting out) as a worship leader. He was thrilled, me ahh not so much folks. Don’t get me wrong, I knew before I married TK that this was his choice of vocation; I guess I was just hoping he would find a nice job behind a desk working a 8-5 that he liked. PSH fat chance Kristin! So I did what any supportive wife would do and told TK to go check it out on Sunday and let me know what he thought of this church.
TK came home on the Sunday afternoon lit up like a Christmas tree. He loved the church, the service, and the pastor. The church’s motto was ‘come as your are, no perfect people allowed’ and for the sake of protecting people’s name (which I still struggle with exposing some of them like President Clinton’s dirty secret, I will not because it isn’t right) I will not mention the name of this church. A formal interview was never done, TK’s credentials were never asked for, and his references were never called. Somehow we over looked all of that and hopped right in with both feet when TK was offered the job. To be honest I was reluctant but excited to see my hubsters happy and doing what he was called to do. TK is a phenomenal musician, even though he will deny he is all day long. God blessed TK with an amazing talent, a talent most of us only dream about having and I was thrilled to see him using it week after week!
So here we were, fresh in our marriage, starting a new chapter of our life already, while still getting used to living in our new home, working for a new church with people who were new at leading. Yep you know what’s coming next…but you have to wait till tomorrow☺ Adios Amigos!