I hope this finds everyone in good spirits today! Now that the holiday rush is over I find myself having time again, so let's get caught up shall we?
I have been going to counseling for a few weeks now and have to say that I am really digging it! I never thought I would look forward to going to see a stranger once a week for an hour, but I do. I have been approaching it with an open mind and looking at it as ME time! It also helps that my counselor is this wonderful lady who has a motherly way about her. She never once has judged me or blamed my problems on something else, but instead she has made me own my feelings, figure out why I feel this way, and the best of all she asked me to seek forgiveness... from myself. Yes I was just as confused about that as you probably are now so let me explain.
I have what you would call anger management issues. Go ahead I will pause while you laugh. I may be a really nice person always willing to help those you need it, but inside I am fuming about EVERYTHING! So eventually that anger catches up with you and robs your life of joy. My life is filled with things that should bring me joy, but I was missing it, all of it. My heart was a hardened lump of gross, black coal instead of the joyful heart God created me to have. It took my counselor making me do this exercise for it to slap me in the face, coming at me 75mph like a bat out of hell. When you travel through life constantly looking forward to all the tomorrows you often miss what is right in front of you today. I don't want to miss life, I want to live life, no matter how messy it gets. So I am approaching each day God gives me differently and don't get me wrong it's hard! I am not a morning person, I often wake up grumpier than the wicked witch of the west, but I am trying my best to change my perspective. What should you have learned from my above rant and rave... use caution when approaching me in the am JUST KIDDING (not.)
Back to forgiving myself (I get off track so easily, maybe looking into ADD should be my next to do item.) My counselor had me do another exercise from an anger management study and again I found it really helpful. It stated something about anger and forgiveness go hand and hand. We have the choice to truly forgive and move, which is something I have neglected to do. I have said I am fine more times than I have changed poopy diapers and BOY my kid craps a lot so ya. I have internalized my anger more and more instead of dealing with the situation I am in. I realized that I needed to work on forgiveness to bring joy back to my heart and life. I started the forgiveness exercise with TK. I had a list of things that have happened that I was still anger about, all of which were circumstances beyond his control. But I had to validate that feeling I was having and then I prayed for God to help me let it go.
Next was life, funny right? How do you forgive life? I dunno, I just did OK!? I was mad for the deck of cards we have been dealt the past 5 years, but in order to move forward I had to stop looking behind. So I forgave life and the crapola it has done to us.
Next was the hardest... Me. I have all this guilt for being mad at TK, I mean a lot which in turn made me angry. Vicious cycle I was in, but I decided yesterday it was done, over, finished!
Life isn't always what you want it to be and even though I know that, I am just now learning that. I am done being mad, it's about darn time I see some joy in my life! Amen? AMEN!
If you want to know the exercises I did I would be happy to share them, just holla at a girl.
