This thing called Life: Part 3

WARNING some of this content will make you mad, maybe at me, maybe at Church, maybe at Christians, but prolly mostly at me... consider yourself warned mmmmk?

Tim had been working at his job for a few months by this time and seemed to be pretty happy. He was asked to do all kinds of odds and end work which we assumed was normal at a plant church. It did not matter what background TK had or even what knowledge he possessed he was just asked (some times told) to do it, so TK being the good kid he was did it. The church started growing and it was honestly really cool to see it happen. I had the opportunity to meet some really great people, and then some NOT so great people. For some reason any new person that walked through the door and I met, seemed to like me. But everyone (OK not everyone cause I am friends with some of those peeps now, it just felt like everyone) that was already a part of this church shunned me. These people were horribly judgmental and the leadership team acted like a click and I felt like I was back in high school. I complained to TK about it all the time saying things like, “I thought this was a come as you are place! How do you expect people to be themselves when all you do is shut them out!” I was furious to see how certain leaders acted in this church, but was advised by my ever so loving husband to keep my mouth shut so he could keep his job. So I did… I played what I like to call the ‘church game’ and I hated almost every waking moment in that building. I seriously began to have a faith problem and I blamed it on this place and those people… I was pointing the finger to everyone else but myself.
A few months later my dad announced to the family he would be accepting a job-HOORAY, but he had to move to Florida to take it- BOO! My dad packed his bags and moved in November of 2006 to a condo in Florida, all by himself. He left my mom and three brothers behind in Michigan to finish up the school year and decide the family’s next steps. I was crushed… is there a word worse than crushed, because if there is that is what I was. My Dad was gone and this was before Skype was cool so I all I had was phone calls and emails, which were infrequent because the man was working insane hours. The company would fly my dad home for a weekend every 5 weeks or so to see us and those weekends just never felt right. It seemed I watched the clock constantly to see how much time I had left with him more than I focused on being with him.
I remember the first time TK and I went to go visit him in Florida. It was weird and I hated almost every minute of it while faking a smile for my Dad. Sure he lived in a beautiful state and had a nice place to stay at, but it didn’t feel right. I would find myself going to the bathroom just to hide from my Dad and TK so I could cry. How was this all happening??
The next few months continued to creep by and I watched my family become something I feared most… distant. If you have ever met my family you know how we are all loud and crazy, and IN each others faces all the time! I like to compare us to the movie ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ except we aren’t Greek, we’re muts and darn proud of it☺ A side not here: my favorite thing about my family, parents included is that when we have something BIG we want the others to know about, but are to afraid to say it ourselves, we go tell someone else fully knowing that we cannot to save our lives keep secrets and soon what we needed everyone to know will have spread like wildfire and the secret will be out! It’s how we work, my husband thinks we are crazy and we might be, but it’s us and I love it! Anyway back on topic, stay focused Kristin (I like side notes, I want you to feel like you lived this with me so get used to them☺ ) So my family wasn’t functioning like we always had before. You could see sadness in my Mom’s eyes s she tried to play it off like she was fine. I think she felt she needed to be strong for us kids and I hope that didn’t cause her more pain than necessary.

In June 2007 one of my little bros graduated from high school and the decision was made that my mom and two of my brother’s would be leaving to join my dad in Florida. When I heard this my stomach sank and my throat instantly swelled up. I fought back that tears but to be honest I knew this was coming… I was just in denial. My family was leaving July 5th and I would be here in Michigan without them. I felt like life as I knew it was over. Sure I still had hubsters, Snoop Dog and one of my brothers would be in the state of Michigan just away at college. But the rest of my family was leaving, hello leaving me behind living thousands of miles away! How could God be so cruel!?!?! I flew with my mom and two brothers to Florida while my dad and oldest brother drove the car with the family dogs. Arriving to my parent’s new home was surreal. Surely this was a vacation home, not a home you would live in! It was gorgeous and but I hated it! It wasn’t the home I grew up it, I couldn’t walk around in the dark and know all the corners and curves of the house by heart, my bed was missing, it was too open and didn’t feel homey. But I smiled and told my dad it was perfect. As the oldest child I have a problem and I need help with this problem. I feel like I should take care of everyone all the time. It’s caused some serious mental problemos for me, not kidding.
A few days later I flew home to Michigan, without my family, without my mom. I sat in the airport balling my eyes out shooting dirty looks to anyone who dared stare at me. I was angry and sad and little did I know depressed. Depression is something that ‘runs’ in my family and most people who obviously have it ignore it and it goes untreated. I was of course in denial about struggling with depression because it is so taboo to have it. My husband tried to gently encourage me to get help which of course my reply was, ‘SHUT YOUR MOUTH, I am fine” or “I don’t need drugs to make me happy” or my favorite “Why would I talk to a complete stranger about my life so they can judge me and drug me up, NO THANK YOU.” I knew I had a problem but I was not going to admit it. I cried more often, I became secluded and ignore my friends when the called or would lie to get out of seeing them. I was angry a lot and my emotions would jump from one to another in the blink of an eye. I was textbook depressed but in my crazy mind I had this under control.
Fall rolled around, my favorite time of the year! TK and I booked a trip to Florida for Thanksgiving to see my family because I couldn’t bear to spend the holidays without them. To top it off things at TK’s work were getting… weird. He would be blamed for things he had no control over, other peoples mistakes fell on him, and the worst of all people were not only gossiping about him but us, and people were lying about TK. I remember one Sunday morning walking into this so called church and I knew about something that had happened earlier in the week with this certain person (long story short… TK was in charge of cutting checks and he made a rule that he would only cut checks to reimburse people once a week. So all these people had to do was hand in the receipts on a Monday to get a check by Thursday. Not that hard right, I mean a third grader could understand that. Well not this certain person. She wanted her money NOW and acted like TK was a peon and should cater to her. She was so mad that she couldn’t get a check when she wanted it that she started to tell the Pastor and other people TK wasn’t doing his job, was ignoring her requests, and hadn’t cut her a check in weeks! Ok so that was kind of a long explanation, sorry bout that, I just need you to understand what was about to go down.) So I saw this person and she smiled at me and proceeded to strike up a conversation. IT TOOK EVERYTHING in my power not to slap this woman square in the face. I am a protective person by nature and if you cross one of my loved ones you better WATCH OUT, my ninja skills come into full action. Even though I tried my hardest to be nice I know I was being rude, so I decided to walk away mid conversation before I said something I would regret or hit her. Probably a good decision I made there.
Things like the above example seemed to be happening more and more often and we couldn’t figure out why. Did TK and I handle every situation properly… HECK to the NO! Sometimes TK lost his cool and said the wrong thing, but put yourself in his shoes for a sec k? The guy worked like a dog for this church making crapola, but he did it because he loved serving God and believed this church had a great message that could reach a lot of people. He was in it for the right reason and when things started happening here at this church he took it personally, he was incredible hurt by the Pastor and the leaders in that church and so was I. We got defensive quickly and it seemed there was some kind of fire to be put out week after week. As things progressively got worse TK and I started talking about the possibility of moving to Florida to be with my family. We started praying for God to show us what to do next. The Pastor of this church said that people were upset with TK and he was MAKING TK apologize to them all. EXCUSE ME WHAT? What in the HELL yes HELL (I was super angry here at this point, can you feel it?) did TK do to this judgmental, stuck up, no good leaders? But to save his job, TK did what the Pastor said and he sat with 15 or so leaders and apologize for things he didn’t understand. THE MAN SUCKED IT UP to save us, to continue to provide for me! And you know what, they still treated him like dirt after that. I was furious and my husband was sad and confused. I hated that church, what it was doing to him and his spirited personality and what it stood for in an instant. Here was a great message they had and we could be saving LOTS of lost people, but instead they were running a popularity contest. So I started making excuses to not go to church, I had a big project due, I had a headache, I felt sick to my stomach (which wasn’t a lie, that place wanted to make me puke.) I drifted from God and my faith, and my husband. I couldn't understand how people could call themselves Christians but be so cruel to fellow brother of Christ? I cried a lot over the hurt those people caused my husband. TK was fearful to speak, reluctant to make any decision, and started doubting himself and what he thought he was called to do. I had about all I could take or so I thought and just when I thought things were bad, they got worse. It all happened so quickly it made my head spin.

This thing called Life: Part 2

TK and I were blessed to have taken a week long honeymoon at an all-inclusive hotel in Punta Cana. HELLO beach, ocean, unlimited eats and my main squeeze. THIS girl was in heaven. We returned home late Sunday afternoon and had an awesome BBQ with my family at our new little home reminiscing about our wedding day while making fun of my Dad for crying the WHOLE day. Life was just about perfect; the only thing missing was the puppy I was relentlessly perusing TK for.
My family soon went home and it was just the hubs and I ready to start our life together. Monday morning TK took off to work and I was busy doing laundry and getting things ready to go back to work myself in a few days when all of a sudden at 9:00am the front door open revealing my husband. He looked down in the dumps as I asked him what he was already doing home. He had ruined my plans of surprising him with a nice dinner (by nice I mean sandwiches cause this girl didn’t know how to cook yet.) The man looked like a car just hit his puppy when he said he was laid off. WHAT, say again?!?! What a honeymoon phase killer that news was. I immediately went into crazy mode; spewing stupid trash talk from my mouth that I am sure did not help TK feel better about his, correction, OUR current situation. Sure TK would get unemployment and I was working part time, but we just bought a house, a for real all ours home. And we had two car payments, utility bills, and cell phone bills, and…. I went into freak out mode real quick. I have never been a levelheaded person and the slightest tip of imbalance in my world sends me into crazy woman mode (poor TK.)
I went back to work a few days later while TK got things settled with the unemployment office, which deserves a post all on it’s own about how special and kind the people are there (insert sarcasm here.) A few weeks later TK found out his unemployment was approved, but we seriously laughed at the amount they accepted two people like us to live off of. TK seemed depressed which made me sad because he was always the happy go lucky, nothing gets me down kind of guy. I was at a complete loss of what to do. Here we were married, both still in school, no career jobs, no security, and for the first time in my life I felt on my own. My parents took care of everything for me. Sure they taught me responsibility and I functioned in the real world pretty well because of the skills they gave me, BUT I WAS NOWHERE near prepared for the crapola of the situation I found myself in. My Mom and Dad did a fantastic job raising me, but I was sheltered and naïve. I could not call my Dad to fix this situation, I couldn’t even call him to vent about it because… he was Tim’s boss at this job and guess what he lost his job at this company too. PRETTY CRAPPY huh? So here we were in scramble mode right along with my parents. And I had to be an adult about all this! I think the hardest part for me was the having to ‘grow up’ when all I wanted to do was stomp my feet, scream, and demand my mommy fix this. I found myself growing bitter, bitter about life, marriage, family, and growing up. Having your own home and being a for real grown up person is just not as glamorous as some make it out to be.
TK continued to search for work while I went off to school or work and when I came home at the end of the day I expected a full detailed report of how he spent his every waking minute and what jobs he applied for. I would get infuriated when I would hear that he watched TV or heaven forbid sat down to eat lunch! NO SOUP for you, until you get a job MR.!!! Some great wife I was shaping up to be. I would find myself venting to anyone who was willing to lend an ear, my mom, my best friend, the little girl I took care of, my puppy (OH ya forgot to mention that TK eventually caved and I got my dog, hehe.) I knew it wasn’t right, but I couldn’t stop myself from complaining. I am shocked no one slapped me silly and told me to knock it off and suck it up. Everyone just seemed to sympathize with me, especially Snoop Dog, (to clarify Snoop Dog is my puppy, not the rapper. Although I think it would be cool to meet Snoop Dog and hang. I am sure I am his type of friend, I am pretty gangsta after all) so I didn’t think anything was wrong with what I was doing.
TK soon found out about a possible job through the grapevine and decided to follow up on the lead. TK was almost done with his bachelor’s degree in Theology and wanted to be a worship leader. K time out for a second; how in the name of God was I going to be a ‘Pastor’s wife’? I am outspoken, loud, inappropriate sometimes, and I am in your face kind of person who does not wear, I repeat does not wear mo-moos. I had a few minor anxiety attacks at the thought of TK working at a church, but low and behold this lead he had was for a position at a plant church (a plant church is a church just starting out) as a worship leader. He was thrilled, me ahh not so much folks. Don’t get me wrong, I knew before I married TK that this was his choice of vocation; I guess I was just hoping he would find a nice job behind a desk working a 8-5 that he liked. PSH fat chance Kristin! So I did what any supportive wife would do and told TK to go check it out on Sunday and let me know what he thought of this church.
TK came home on the Sunday afternoon lit up like a Christmas tree. He loved the church, the service, and the pastor. The church’s motto was ‘come as your are, no perfect people allowed’ and for the sake of protecting people’s name (which I still struggle with exposing some of them like President Clinton’s dirty secret, I will not because it isn’t right) I will not mention the name of this church. A formal interview was never done, TK’s credentials were never asked for, and his references were never called. Somehow we over looked all of that and hopped right in with both feet when TK was offered the job. To be honest I was reluctant but excited to see my hubsters happy and doing what he was called to do. TK is a phenomenal musician, even though he will deny he is all day long. God blessed TK with an amazing talent, a talent most of us only dream about having and I was thrilled to see him using it week after week!
So here we were, fresh in our marriage, starting a new chapter of our life already, while still getting used to living in our new home, working for a new church with people who were new at leading. Yep you know what’s coming next…but you have to wait till tomorrow☺ Adios Amigos!

This thing called life: Part 1

So in order to explain where I have been you need to know how it all started. Part one is a little mushy gushy, so bear with me!
I can remember every detail of meeting TK for the first time, right down to what we both were wearing… man I wish I could still fit into those jeans I had on that day! TK was the college small group leader at the church we both were attending and I decided to go and check it out (I had nothing to lose giving the group a lookski and OH BOY was I right about that.) I walked through the door of TK’s apartment and as he introduced himself my heart soared and I instantly was overcome with butterflies in my stomach. I kept repeating to myself to play it cool, but I am sure I was a blabbering idiot with ogling eyes. What can I say this guy was HOT, H-O-T kind of hot. I couldn’t tell ya what the group talked about that night but I can tell you that TK’s smile pierced right through my heart, his laugh was contagious, and his eyes, oh Lord those baby blues were killin’ me softly (as they still do to this day.) The man was good looking to say the least, and he was smart, and funny, and nice, and H-O-T, oh and did I mention he was hot? OK you get the point… it was lust at first sight and it quickly, I mean quickly turned to love.
It was my 21st berfday and the small group decided to see a midnight showing of Passion of the Cross. I did everything in my power to sit next to TK slyly but with no luck a friend wedge herself in between us (Rachel H. if you are reading this I am talking about you and you really messed my game up that night, but I suppose I can find it in my heart to forgive you, hehe.) I was bummed because I knew that most certainly there would be a part in the movie that I could gasp at and grab his arm. I know some great Christian I am, more concerned about a boy than the movie based on Jesus’ life… what can I say TK was H-O-T and I had it bad for him. Well since my game was interrupted that night I decided to be brave and after weeks of shameless flirting ask TK to have coffee with me. This was, little as I knew it, the beginning of the end.
Tim and I went to Boarders books and to our surprise Bob the Bachelor (from that lame TV show I am addicted to) was singing there. We laughed so hard we were crying and I remember without even thinking about it or planning it out, I reached for TK’s arm and pulled myself into him. Say what Kristin you touched him! Oh my goodness you are so bad! Anyway enough judging me let me get on with my story, K? Little did I know at this time how into me TK was (yep he was into me, like crazy into me but he had sworn of girls so I was kind of screwed or so I thought.) Somehow that day changed TK’s mind and he wanted me to be his girl. TK asked me out on a date, but he tried to make it sound like it wasn’t a date at all. That was the first night he held my hand, but again the nerd tried to play it off by acting that he was just “directing me to go a certain way” and not really holding my hand. WHATEV I knew the truth! We had our first kiss that I almost ruined (you don’t want to know) a few weeks later and let me tell you the man has soft lips (TMI??) A night before I took off on a girl’s trip I was with TK at his apartment. It was a surprisingly beautiful day in April so we decided to take a walk around outside. TK stopped me right before we got to his apartment at the end of our walk, turned to me and said, “Kristin I am crazy about you!!” I had that moment again where my heart went a flying and the butterflies took over my belly. So doing what any girl in her right mind would do, I reluctantly agreed to be his girl, if you call reluctant groping the poor guys face.
About a month maybe a little less after Tim and I started officially dating my Grandmother had a stroke. It was by far the scariest moment in my life up until that point. I remember my mom coming into my room at 1:00am telling me Nana just had a stroke and was being rushed to the ER. My parents left for the hospital and I was to man the home station until further notice. Needless to say I WAS A NERVOUS WRECK and TK was 2 and half hours away that night. I called him thinking I would just leave a message and talk to him the next day. A few minutes later he called me back and said he was in his car on his way home to be with me. I tried to convince him he could stay with his friends and that we would all be OK, but TK wasn’t have it and a few hours later he was knocking on my door. The next day he went to he hospital with me, prayed over my Nana and even made her laugh. I knew right then and there this was it, bing, bam, thank you ma’am, I was his forever. That night after only dating for a month he told me he loved me and it didn’t scare me one bit because I felt the same way. Six months later after a whirlwind of dating I was pregnant… NOT!!! Gotcha didn’t I? For real this time, six months later we were engaged! And if you have never heard the story of our engagement ask me, it’s a keeper:) 18 months after we were engaged TK and I were married on June 17th, 2006 . It was a fantastic day followed by an awesome week long honeymoon. And then LIFE got real... welcome to the crazy ride.

This thing called Life

The past 5 years of my life have been crazy, to but it simply. I have been through more in 5 years than people go through in 15. I feel battered and exhausted from the curve balls life has thrown at me and find it hard to muster up the strength to get out of bed some days, while other days I feel victorious and dare to ask life what else she's got. Why am I telling you all this you say? After I have had a good friend and my mother ever so harshly I mean SOFTLY, yes softly was the correct word I was looking for, nudged me to document my journey and how I have come out alive so that all you out there who need a little inspiration to get through today could have it at your finger tips... I finally decided to cave to their peer pressure and start writing it all down. Beware this story will have a billion and two parts to it that will leave you happy and encouraged but also might make you mad and want to hunt me down and slap me silly with a wet noodle. Just be warned that this is not going to be a mushy gushy feel good all the time story. I want to be honest with you all because you deserve it if you are going to take the time to read what I have to say.
Part one of this thing called life shall commence tomorrow. Stay tuned my friends!